Now That We Are Home

Now that We Are Home

It is hard to believe that we are finally home with Andy!  He is doing great and seems to love his new brother and sister. Even though it has been over 2 years since we began this process it seems like just the other day that we filled out our first form.  At this point, we are no longer in a process to adopt but we are the parents of a child who was orphaned. Beginning the parenting journey provides a whole new season of adventure and challenge.

So many of you have encouraged, given, prayed, and helped along the way and we are very grateful.  We have needed you.  We are also going to continue to need you in a particular way now that he is home.  We need you to understand and embrace the process of helping us become Andy’s parents in his eyes. Hopefully, the following information will help you understand what we mean.

FORMING ATTACHMENT. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time. In a normal parent/child relationship, when a child communicates a physical or emotional need, a parent meets the need and soothes the child. This attachment cycle repeats over and over again, creating a trusting and secure relationship between the child and his parents. By God's design, a foundation of attachment is laid in the tiniest of babies that will profoundly impact their behavior, learning, health, emotions, relationships, and values for the rest of their lives.

INTERRUPTIONS IN ATTACHMENT. Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this attachment process. The loss of their biological parents at an early age is a major trauma on their little hearts, whether they are a few weeks or several years old. Spending time in an orphanage disrupts the attachment process even further.

RECREATING ATTACHMENT. In the first 8 months of his life, Andy has had multiple caregivers beginning with his birth-mom, then in an orphanage, and now in a transition home. When we are home, he will have lost another caregiver. Because of this, it will take time for him to learn to love and trust us as his family. We will be setting some boundaries to help the process move forward as quickly as possible. The best way for Shelley and me to form a parent/child bond with Andy is to be the only ones to hold, snuggle, kiss, instruct, soothe, and feed him for the first few months.  Although it may appear that we are spoiling him, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently. During this time, as part of the "cocooning" process, Andy will have structure, boundaries, and close proximity to us that is different than a child who enters a family at birth.  It may sound extreme, but from everything we have read and have learned from other families who have adopted, this is really the best way to help Andy.

As we consistently meet all of his needs in a predictable, secure environment, Andy will learn that we are his parents, that the world is a good place, that his needs make sense, and that he can trust us to meet his needs and love him deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn parent/child connection.

HOW YOU MAY HELP. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Andy hugged and loved on by ALL of you. Until he has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, however, it would help if you would limit your physical contact with him and point him to us if you see that he has a need.

Please set physical boundaries. It is important that other adults refrain from what is typically considered normal physical contact with Andy. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging, and kissing. By setting physical boundaries, you will help Andy learn the difference between you and us. You will also help him gain the confidence that he is with us to stay and will not be taken away. We are not saying you can’t touch him at all.  There just needs to be limits. Feel free to give him all the high fives, fist pumps, and pokes in the belly that you want!

While we want to let you hold and love on Andy, we are just asking that you support us during these early months. We don’t want you to have a fear of messing him up.  I am sure we will do that on our own! Like we said before, this is going to be a great adventure. Please don’t hesitate to ask us about any of this if it doesn’t make sense.

You are all amazing and we are thankful for you.

The Hunts